Only Days Left

January 14th, 2007

My aunt and uncles have all passed away except two aunts who both have Alzheimer’s.  My parents are both the eldest in their families.  My father has been fighting prostate cancer for sixteen years.  Now it appears the cancer is winning and we are in the final weeks and days.

I don’t want to lose my dad and I know he will always be with me in my heart but I don’t want my dad to suffer any more.  He has endured more pain from his back and shoulder injuries, kidneys, frostbite as a child, and prostate cancer than most people could tolerate.  To listen to him moan in his sleep from the pain and it is almost more than I can bear and yet my mom says he hums or sings in his sleep the Old Rugged Cross.  Even in the worst of times and pain, God brings him comfort.

It’s a long dark night waiting for a phone call telling me to come home.  Wondering how I am going to tell my children that their grandfather only has hours to live.  How will I comfort my niece and nephews in their grief?  How will my mother live without my dad?  How will I comfort my brother and sister?

When my sister died I was married but had no one for support to lean on or share my grief.  I had no church family to share my sorrow with.  I have a loving husband now and in those first few hours when I laid down in our bed, he held me and let me cling to him for support.  I have a church now and my small group will pray for my family.  My friends will also pray for my family and offer kind words because that is who they are.

I believe in God and have since I was seven years old and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior.  But believing and practicing are different.  God watched over me and held me when my sister Suzie died but I didn’t understand it.  God held me when I walked through the valley of death after a car accident, but again I didn’t understand.  Now I know and find comfort that God will hold me, surround me, carry me, heal my hurt, and make me stronger in my faith as I struggle with my breaking heart in these last days with my father.

I keep remembering the words to a beautiful song by Natalie Grant, Held and it brings me comfort, if only for a short time before the tears come again.

Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays Is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens To us who have died to live? It's unfair. Chorus: This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held. This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow. The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow. (Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was When everything fell we'd be held. Bridge: If hope is born of suffering. If this is only the beginning. Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior? (Chorus) This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.